Saturday, February 18, 2006

I'm feeling blah

This is supposed to be a happy blog. I am happy when knitting. But for some reason, I'm not happy knitting my olympics project. Twice now I've had to rip out severals rows and start over. I can't seem to understand what the directions are telling me to do. Perhaps I was too mesmerized by the racing(cross) snowboarders. Yeah, that could be it. I have decided to take a break from it tonight and try another pair of gloves. A couple of weeks ago I had an echo cardiogram done. It's basically an ultrasound of your heart. My doc wanted me to have it done because I have a murmur. So yesterday I saw him and we talked about the results. Mild regurgitation in 3 areas, valves. Basically the heart has 4 chambers, left 2 and right 2, those are seperated top and bottom on each side by valves. There is some mild leakage on both sides. This happens, just means I have to take and antibiotic pre dental work. Then he tells me I have Left ventricular hypertrophy (mild), well this freaks me out slightly. I don't have high bloodpressure. So why is this happening? Can I stop it from progressing? Doc says my pressure probably skyrockets at work when it's not being monitored. Ya think? Twice this week I noted my body having a sympathetic response (fight or flight). You know when you get put in a position where your really uncomfortable? You start to sweat slightly, heart beats harder, your breath starts to get hard to catch. I get this way in a confrontational situation. I don't like being in that kind of situation. It's worse now that I am so much more in tune with my breath and body responses from yoga. Why do situations spin out of control? How do we stop this from happening? In this particular case I was just doing my job, minding my own business, the person on the other end, was not having a good day and chose to make someone else as miserable as possible. It took me a long time to see that in these situations this is what is happening. I want nothing more than peace. I know this is unrealistic in todays world, or is it? Can I view the person in front of me with love? Can I view them as being connected with me? part of me? Because in essence we are all connected with each other through the thread of humanity. I really feel I am continually a work in progress. I need to stay in the moment, step back and observe what is happening. This is hard, because sometimes things escalate out of control in mere seconds, with no warning.
So what's all this ranting about? I'm concerned about the heart thing. I know I need to lose weight. Now I have another reason to do that workout. I just have to be patient and put my nose to the grindstone. Eat less. Workout more.
Patience. Big lesson to learn. In more ways than one I am experiencing this. Live one moment at a time. Be present on your mat. I tell my students this all the time. Remember to breathe.

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